Train Wreck!

Mon, 08/30/2010 - 12:27 | Frazzled Parenting

So we are right on schedule with S, two day before school starts and he has regressed to the 3rd grade (he is starting 8th grade on Wednesday) with a half hour temper tantrum. So now he is cooling down sitting on his bed before having to visit school and fill his locker this afternoon.

This is the emotional disability that is so hard to deal with some days, and is much of the reason why few kids connect with him. I have dealt with many types of disabilities from CP, MS, Downs, etc but emotional is by far the most challenging.
 
I meant to include this the other day but just forgot. I have had so many people ask me about the Total Transformation Program from James Lehman. I am sure you’ve heard the radio commercials talking about kids that talk back, have oppositional defiance issues, etc. We [FLO] are recommending the program, but it should be tweaked to fit each child’s specific needs. With that in mind, we are working through the program in our home and I’ll take you along for the ride in this BLOG.
 
Admittedly we didn’t follow the directions from step one; we first listened to the Bonus CD “The One Minute Transformation”. We didn’t hear anything that we didn’t already know, or have used. But I think what we did discover is how we have fallen out of the habit of tools that have worked in the past. It is very easy with kids that have Attachment and Oppositional Defiance issues to fall into their trap, running circles around you until you’re just done.
 
So it is time to take back control. That means, for S anyway no more “discussion” which translates to debating to see it his way. It is back to basics of black and white. Do this, do that, sit there, stand up, etc. Control the tantrum by taking the audience away. No audience, no show to put on, reduced tantrum; well most of the time.
 
I am very impressed with the workbook that comes with this program, we’ve walked through most of it and are using the workbook; and yes we’ll work harder and following the steps as written. What strikes me about this program is the author, James Lehman, is not only a therapist but he is a behaviorist. I think for most of us with challenging kids we forget that it isn’t enough to just have our standard educational and therapeutic team, but also to include a behaviorist to help create change.
 
So on page 5 there is a list that says “When your child is angry, frustrated, anxious or depressed, does he:” and there is a list of 20 items. The “Interpretation” of what you’ve selected works like this “If you checked at least three behaviors on this list, your child is exhibiting inappropriate behaviors … If you have checked more than three behaviors on the list, your child is exhibiting serious behavior problems and needs more serious interventions now.”
 
Hm. We’ve checked of 9 of the 20 on the list.
 
So, what are we dealing with today?
 
“Victim stance: The youth sees himself as the victim in any situation, rejecting the idea that he is responsible for what has happened and should be held accountable for his actions.” Page 14
 
“Turn Around: The child constantly puts others on the defensive when held accountable. The issue at hand gets “turned around” so the parent, adult or other child is put on the spot, feeling forced to do the explaining. Statements such as, “It’s not fair,” or “You don’t trust me,” love me,” or “appreciate me,” puts the parents in the position of having to defend the fairness or their trust, love or appreciation.” Page 15
 
It is going to be a long day.
 
So my strategy for the day: While the book doesn’t say to do this, over the last couple of weeks we’ve been turning the book back on S and it does seem to make an impact. So, first I ran to get the book (just because he cannot put on a show doesn’t mean we cannot!), than I read him the Victim Stance, and the Turn Around paragraphs. When I was finished I just looked up at him.
 
The tantrum was over.
 
He couldn’t fight the world anymore because I just showed him what he was doing and why. So it wasn’t going to work, and it wasn’t fun anymore (yes, these kids actually enjoy the battle). Again, this isn’t how the program says to do this but S has also been working on the 7 Habits of an Effective Teen, which has become his book. When he reads it he self corrects, he sees himself in the pages and even will identify behaviors. So now we have a book that we can read for parents back to him which talks about similar behaviors.
 
The battle than isn’t with us, it is with himself and he doesn’t want to fight himself so he just stops.
 
He is taking a breather, I am taking a breather. So we’re off to the school in an hour to fill the million dollars worth of school supplies into his locker, hopefully in a much calmer manner than we started the day with.
 
Maybe some more jumping jacks and jogging around the park a few times will help clear out his head and restart his brain too.
 
Ok, I now have three hours of work to shove into an hour. The fun never ends!
 
David